In most cases, a woman who musters up her courage and puts her life on hold for someone behind bars will be rewarded when she gets out. But unfortunately, for some of us, nothing is going the way it was supposed to…
Indeed, it should not be believed that all the FDT live a fairy tale through their love story à la ‘Bonnie & Clyde’. What’s so glamorous about a prison again? The stress we feel at each visit or the fact of not knowing when all this will stop?
Good okok, I can already see you saying “There are UVFs*”, “you can catch up a bit during the visiting rooms” and you are right, but you also know that not all jails have UVFs ( / ) and not all visiting rooms are individual! Yes yes, for those who have the misfortune to come across the common parlors: strength to you.
Remember the study halls in college? Well it’s almost the same thing except that it’s not a CPE who monitors but prison officers. Glamour, did we say?
Well, I got a little off topic… we’re here to talk about FDTs who unfortunately get kicked out as soon as the person they’ve been waiting for finally comes out.
So said like that, indeed it seems unlikely but know that it is real.
Of course, there are factors that accentuate the “risks” and which every FDT should take the time to think about. They -in my opinion- would perhaps prevent the next ones from making the same mistakes and arriving at a sad end.
Ask the right questions
- Were you already in a relationship before his incarceration? Most of the Women who came to tell us about their misadventure admitted to us that they got into a relationship after their friend was imprisoned. And although this is not a generality, it is better to remain cautious and understand that a man in prison is generally more “enterprising” than outside. Subconsciously, he needs you and he will try to show it to you. But this is where confusion often arises: love and need should not be confused.
- Does he go several weeks without needing to hear from you (assuming he has a phone)? If the answer is yes, this is something that should alert you. Knowing that on average a detainee who has a telephone contacts his FDT on average once a day.
- What are your discussions like? Does he contact you only when he needs you for anything or on the contrary, he tries to hear from you and hear your voice? It is very easy to veil the face by reassuring oneself on the fact that “yes, each time it is for a service to render but he also asks me if I am well…”. Don’t be fooled!
- Do you know the charges against him ? Although it may seem like a silly question, you would be surprised how many FDTs are unaware of what their inmate is accused of. Do not mix the choice of some Women who do not want to know too much out of “modesty” and the fact that going into the details would be useless – apart from embarrassing everyone – with the Women who would like to know but who do not manage not. Some inmates have no real interest in having to explain this and manage to dodge the subject for months and sometimes even years!
- Finally, last question but not least: do you see love in his eyes ? Of course, I’m talking about LOVE with a capital A! The one who is visible and who cannot hide. The one that is everywhere in the air. The one who animates him when he sees you. And for this question girls, I’m asking you to be honest with yourself. When love is present, doubts are no longer there. And I think that if there are any hesitations, it’s because the answer is not positive.
After asking yourself all these questions, if the answer to each of them is positive: Congratulations, that’s a very good sign! But beware, this does not make it impossible to be let go in the end. Let’s say it reduces the chances enormously.
A multi-penalty…
What is the most complicated to manage during a post-life rupture of FDT is the multiplication of heartaches. Unlike an “ordinary” breakup, being left this way is like having bought all the ingredients to make the best chocolate cake, having prepared it with love and patience so that when it’s time to cut the long-awaited part, someone pulverizes this cake. All for nothing?!
Add to that the slew of people waiting for us around the bend (there are always a few) who will be EXCITED to release the famous phrase “You see, I told you so”.
For those who have financially assumed the person locked up, it is also a hard blow. No “return on investment”. In general, it is initially the frustration which seizes an FDT which undergoes this kind of thing. And then comes hate. The hatred of having lived through prison by substitution for someone who wasn’t worth it. Then finally shame; to have defended body and soul the beloved to the slanderers who spoke (and who were apparently right…).
But girls, know that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT . Being part of the FEMMES DE TAULARDS community is a bit like passing a test of mental strength. So yes, it hurts to eat this kind of slap in life but the fight you’ve been fighting for months has changed you forever. You may have fallen, but you will get up even faster.
Keep in mind that during the entire sentence of “your prisoner” people’s criticisms no longer reached you, so why change now that he has left you? Keep your head up because even if it’s hard to digest at first, he’s the one who loses the most. Losing a strong woman, who was able to fend for herself, meet her needs and yours without ever giving up? A woman who did everything to make him happy and get him out of these gloomy thoughts?
Believe me, you can fall asleep with a smile on your face, tomorrow everything will be better.
